Kassie Fowler

A New Season: Falling Together

by

A new season — a new space where I’ve not yet existed.  This fall I said good-bye to full time employment on church staff.  An 11 year season coming to a close.

It’s been the full gamut of all emojis — anticipation 🙂  — regret 🙁   — satisfaction 🙂  — disappointment 🙁 and all the in-betweens.  At times I launch forward with out-of-the-box ideas and fresh dreams, only to then freeze with fears of missing out and financial anxieties, searching for some sort of stable equilibrium.

As I process all of the highs and lows of the previous season, I actively seek what’s next.  The dreamer and hope-finder in me is alive & well, but the strategist and planner within craves an excel spreadsheet.

I wish I could share my strategic business plan, mapping out all my pending lucrative executions, with carefully curated instagram content, and stylish scenes of smiles and lipstick on my coffee cup, announcing exciting steps, full of Monday hustle, that give the illusion I’m on my way to someplace really huge and substantial.

Instead, all i have is my vulnerable heart that says hope is worth the risk.

That letting go of my own expectations for myself and my standards of perfection is the next step I see most clearly. That my willingness to miss out in some familiar places will lead to flourishing in wide open spaces. Spaces purposed intentionally for me, thoughtfully created with my intricacies in mind. That maybe, just maybe, there are some desires deep down put there by purposeful design.

But without the holy excuse of my paycheck coming from elsewhere, my insecurities and fears are now exposed…

I actually don’t believe in myself. 

I mean, yes, I believe in myself when I’m hidden in “we”, but when it’s up to just “me”, I feel like a fraud and failure.

Don’t get me wrong, “we” is incredibly important.  “We” is honorable and essential.  But “we”, for me, is now a dead leaf on a tree.  It once was fresh and vibrant, but the signs of the season being done were that it was dead and desperately hanging on– the leaf needed to fall and make way for something new.  And through this necessary ending, I am now gifted with the opportunity to learn something full of spring green… that letting go and employing confidence in myself requires just as much hard work as humbly submitting to others’ visions once did.  

Because isn’t it like our Father to keep us on our toes?  Right when we’re in a groove and feeling good about our mastery, there’s a twist.  A change.  A curveball.  There’s another part of the mountain to explore now.  And for me, this new adventure is without my usual buffers.  Instead, I have to be exposed and vulnerable.  To risk failure and judgments and be OK when those happen.  Venturing into the new can be scary enough, but treading it alone is terrifying.

I think Bryant McGill said it best:

“Maybe your life is not falling apart;
Maybe it’s falling together.
Don’t fearfully hold on to what needs to end.
The familiar life crumbles so new life can begin.”

And in my daily grind of the unknown, one thing is certain — I’m discovering more of who I am and Whose I am.

It’s a bit of a mystery how letting go and pausing can propel us forward.  How saying “this is who I’m not” can make a way for us to embrace who we are.  I’m learning new angles of both myself and of God.  Reminding me that HE IS THE MOST CREATIVE BEING I know.  And I can trust Him to bring it all together.

I’m discovering life is not one eternal summer (even though my Floridian children have NOT come to terms with this).  No, life is seasons. Fall involves death. Winter requires the pause of hibernation. And spring blooms new life in the brightest green. Each is natural. Each is necessary.

So for now, I’m falling — and pausing — and surely preparing to spring. In due season.

Dear friends, may you embrace fully whatever season you find yourself.  It is an oh-so-worth-it journey.

Happy falling together~

kassie-sig
season change
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Comments

  2. I cannot LOVE this enough! It’s like you took what’s been roaming around inside my head & put into words so much of who I am, where I am & where I’m going! You’re an amazing writer, don’t stop! Love you Kass ❤️

  3. Beautiful.
    The expression of this change was worded perfectly. Lived it, but I didn’t articulate it as well as u just did. Felt like I was reading a story of my transitional season.
    Discovering “me” was a lot harder than I expected, especially after being so wonderfully knit into the “we” that I knew.
    Kassie, this journey has just begun & you are walking it with such beauty; sit, rest, sip & simmer in that/this place & enjoy. It gets better each season.;) xooxxo

    • It is so difficult to make sense of all the emotions…Thank you for your kind words, Amy… you are one courageous woman!

  4. Just discovering this somehow and read this post. So beautifully written, Kass. You articulate a complexity of emotions in a unique season so well. Can’t wait to stay up to date in this! Xox