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The Tensions of the Holidays: Embracing Messy & Letting Go of Perfect

December 22, 2016 by kassiefowler

Oh, the Holidays. The tensions of the season. To be a snowy white Christmas, but the forecast is hot and humid. To find the PERFECT gift, but managing the traffic and the hour-long confines of a lunch break.  Striving for those fitness goals before your sweet but brutally honest grandmother makes some well-intentioned comment about that stubborn baby weight. To have life all figured out in anticipation of all the what-are-you-doing-these-days questions during incessant catch-up conversations.

Beyond the silly pressures and expectations of the holidays, there can be deep human pain.  For me, Christmas has been full of highs and lows…

In 2006, I get engaged at Disney World on Christmas Eve’s eve, and I’m ON TOP OF THE WORLD. But at the same time, my soon-to-be sister-in-law is grieving deeply for her mother. It is the third Christmas without her, and the absence, heightened during the holidays, is overwhelming.

A couple of years later in December, I suffer a miscarriage. It is my first pregnancy and as we decorate our tree, I look at an ornament gifted to us, Husband and Wife bears, with Wifey bear sporting a huge belly bump. I sob and decide it’s still worth hanging on our little Christmas tree in the corner of our apartment. That same year, I travel to DC to spend the holidays with my sister and her healthy, nine month pregnant belly. While still physically recovering from my own surgery, I’m now faced with an up-close visual of what I’ve lost.

Thankfully, overt trauma isn’t always a part of the holidays, but still, the smaller things can surely haunt us in a similar fashion.

For example, courageously attending that holiday party or family get-together, and in the midst of having a good time, you realize you’re stumbling into a minefield of shame, via the questions of friends and family…

“Your instagram makes your life look so perfect… it’s suprising to hear you’re actually dealing with so much.”

“Your 3 year old still sucks on a paci, drinks a bottle, and sleeps in a crib? You need to get rid of all that baby stuff! A.S.A.P!”

Ugh… these tensions, common in everyday life and further escalated by the holidays. We all crave the PERFECT Christmas, with all the right moments, perfect memories, and effortless interactions. No drama, no fuss, all holiday spirit and champagne toasts. Where love and kindness abound between friends, family, and maybe even foes. And our lives can be displayed gloriously, #nofilter necessary.

And somehow, every year, I still strive for this far-from-reality perfection.

I get sucked back into this vision of me as a perfect mom, wife, and holiday hostess. How can I make the holidays perfectly “magical” like they’re supposed to be, like I see in the movies and hear in the classic Christmas songs on the radio? Maybe I need more strategy for my elf on a shelf? More homemade gingerbread houses for the kids to decorate? Extended romantic Christmas dates with my husband (like life pre-kids)? Or maybe just more trips to Michael’s for all those crafty gifts I have no idea how to make. Maybe I can go on a 10-day juice cleanse for that extra baby weight. Wait, which gifts are for which kid’s??? I’m forgetting everything like my mom used to!! ? How can my kids have THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER with our budget… we’re screwed. They get just as many questions as we do during the holidays, instead of how their careers are going, they get “what’s Santa bringing you this Christmas?” We might as well schedule them counseling January 1.  Maybe that should be their biggest Christmas gift… the gift that keeps on giving after all this is over with. ?

And through all the pressures, expectations, and tensions, I’m learning what my soul craves is to be set free from my need for perfection.

My soul needs a break from this imitation “Christmas”, the Christmas we humans have created. This substitute of a holiday stresses me, overextends me, and if I’m not careful, blinds me to the true reason we celebrate. Imitation Christmas forces me into extremely vulnerable positions. Positions where shame-triggers are heightened through social gatherings, overeating, and overspending. I find myself in spaces where I feel “lesser than” and where I fear judgment. I ask myself all sorts of questions in these sticky places: Am I a good enough host— did I make others feel at home? Am I a good mom — am I being a fun adventurer? or a boring nag? Am I a good wife — did I lift my husband’s burdens this week and affirm him well? or did I wallow in all of my to do’s and fears of inadequacies? Am I a good Christmas planner — did I think through all the right gifts & recipes?

Yikes— how did I arrive at such an anxious, insecure state? How did I ever allow myself to buy into the idea of these counterfeit standards? Rather than giving up when I fail to achieve the perfections demanded by Imitation Christmas, I find myself trying even harder, striving for even more… more performance, more approval, more shopping, more juggling.  Anything to avoid the truth — that I’m terribly insufficient, flawed, and inadequate.

But the irony of it all is that this Imitation Christmas we’ve created robs our souls of the joy and peace the True Christmas came to give us.

You see, True Christmas is the antidote to it all. True Christmas is the message that, yes, we are NOT good enough. We never will be. We won’t be able to perform our way out of this, and we’ll never attain the level of perfection we seek, in every area of life. But in spite of all of our imperfections and flaws, True Christmas tells us this…we. are. loved. We are worthy and we belong, just as we are. In all of our glorious mess. True Christmas embraces mess. It was birthed in the messiest of all places, enjoyed the company of the messiest of all society, and gave everything to clean up the mess of this world, our world, once and for all.

What a relief.

So, this Christmas, I’m doing my best to let go. To laugh off the expectations. To embrace the messy. And to allow myself to celebrate and enjoy True Christmas… it is truly the most magical holiday of all. I sure hope you’ll join me.

The weary world rejoices,

 

 

The Tensions of the Holidays: No more Imitation Christmas

 

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Filed Under: Motherhood Tagged With: holidays, messy, perfect, tensions

A New Season: Falling Together

October 13, 2016 by kassiefowler

A new season — a new space where I’ve not yet existed.  This fall I said good-bye to full time employment on church staff.  An 11 year season coming to a close.

It’s been the full gamut of all emojis — anticipation 🙂  — regret 🙁   — satisfaction 🙂  — disappointment 🙁 and all the in-betweens.  At times I launch forward with out-of-the-box ideas and fresh dreams, only to then freeze with fears of missing out and financial anxieties, searching for some sort of stable equilibrium.

As I process all of the highs and lows of the previous season, I actively seek what’s next.  The dreamer and hope-finder in me is alive & well, but the strategist and planner within craves an excel spreadsheet.

I wish I could share my strategic business plan, mapping out all my pending lucrative executions, with carefully curated instagram content, and stylish scenes of smiles and lipstick on my coffee cup, announcing exciting steps, full of Monday hustle, that give the illusion I’m on my way to someplace really huge and substantial.

Instead, all i have is my vulnerable heart that says hope is worth the risk.

That letting go of my own expectations for myself and my standards of perfection is the next step I see most clearly. That my willingness to miss out in some familiar places will lead to flourishing in wide open spaces. Spaces purposed intentionally for me, thoughtfully created with my intricacies in mind. That maybe, just maybe, there are some desires deep down put there by purposeful design.

But without the holy excuse of my paycheck coming from elsewhere, my insecurities and fears are now exposed…

I actually don’t believe in myself. 

I mean, yes, I believe in myself when I’m hidden in “we”, but when it’s up to just “me”, I feel like a fraud and failure.

Don’t get me wrong, “we” is incredibly important.  “We” is honorable and essential.  But “we”, for me, is now a dead leaf on a tree.  It once was fresh and vibrant, but the signs of the season being done were that it was dead and desperately hanging on– the leaf needed to fall and make way for something new.  And through this necessary ending, I am now gifted with the opportunity to learn something full of spring green… that letting go and employing confidence in myself requires just as much hard work as humbly submitting to others’ visions once did.  

Because isn’t it like our Father to keep us on our toes?  Right when we’re in a groove and feeling good about our mastery, there’s a twist.  A change.  A curveball.  There’s another part of the mountain to explore now.  And for me, this new adventure is without my usual buffers.  Instead, I have to be exposed and vulnerable.  To risk failure and judgments and be OK when those happen.  Venturing into the new can be scary enough, but treading it alone is terrifying.

I think Bryant McGill said it best:

“Maybe your life is not falling apart;
Maybe it’s falling together.
Don’t fearfully hold on to what needs to end.
The familiar life crumbles so new life can begin.”

And in my daily grind of the unknown, one thing is certain — I’m discovering more of who I am and Whose I am.

It’s a bit of a mystery how letting go and pausing can propel us forward.  How saying “this is who I’m not” can make a way for us to embrace who we are.  I’m learning new angles of both myself and of God.  Reminding me that HE IS THE MOST CREATIVE BEING I know.  And I can trust Him to bring it all together.

I’m discovering life is not one eternal summer (even though my Floridian children have NOT come to terms with this).  No, life is seasons. Fall involves death. Winter requires the pause of hibernation. And spring blooms new life in the brightest green. Each is natural. Each is necessary.

So for now, I’m falling — and pausing — and surely preparing to spring. In due season.

Dear friends, may you embrace fully whatever season you find yourself.  It is an oh-so-worth-it journey.

Happy falling together~

kassie-sig
season change

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Filed Under: Faith

Overcoming Fear in the Uncertainty

June 7, 2015 by kassiefowler

Sometimes, life brings us fear.  Often, it’s just a whole lot of uncertainty.  I have found fear in uncertainty can stop me dead in my tracks.  Leaving me afraid to move forward.  Afraid to risk.  Paralyzed with thoughts about all the “what if’s” instead of the what “could be’s.”

How interesting that some things about life become so much more clear in nature.  Like, why do I have to have a near death experience or be completely void of toilets and makeup to encounter really good revelation?  (On that note… why don’t men get more clarity when they grocery shop or change poopie diapers? Wouldn’t that be nice for us?)

Anyway, lessons upon lessons I learned from skiing.  It’s as if the slopes are an analogy of my current season.  They show me that I don’t need every detail figured out before I move forward.  And if I let go of fear in the uncertainty, it will be worth it.

Before I move onto some key lessons, I want to affirm fear.  Fear can be a really healthy, productive emotion.  We have it for a reason.  Like to protect us from danger.  To keep us alive.  I am very thankful when my boys display a healthy fear of heights or cars (the rare times they do).  However, the flip side of fear is that it often disguises itself and can even deceive us into thinking it’s “wisdom”.  Like not doing something makes us feel “wise” because look at all the things that can go wrong!

So, in my few days of near death experiences, here are some key lessons I saw on my quest to overcome fear.
Processed with VSCOcam with hb2 preset

Lesson 1: It’s one slope at a time.

I set out in the beginning of the week to challenge myself. I wanted to be a natural, killing the blues fearlessly and smoothly. But I found myself trapped by fear, waiting until the last day to even try a blue (at least knowingly try :). What I found so scary was approaching the top of a hill and not seeing what was after. Would I fly off the mountain if I didn’t come to a stop? Would I tumble down the steep slope out of control? Would I make a complete fool of myself, or worse, run into other skiers and injure someone? I knew I wanted to complete as many blues as possible; however, I had to take it ONE slope at a time.

On the way down my first blue, I had to conquer those fears everytime I couldn’t see what was next. I had to tell myself, get through this hill… one s-turn at a time. When there was a little break, I would look back at the slope I just mastered and say to myself, wow you just did that, you can do the next!  Sometimes, we need to…

Just start moving and DON’T despise small steps.

You see, so often in life when we can’t see what’s next, what’s just around the corner, worry steals our current joy.  But when we take it one hill, or one step, or one day at a time, we conquer fears in those moments.  Then, we can celebrate on the other side.  We also gain valuable, needed momentum to keep going.

Paralysis breeds paralysis, but momentum breeds momentum.

Processed with VSCOcam with hb1 preset
Lesson 2: When something is wrong, tend to it immediately.

The minute I started skiing, I noticed that my right ski was a tad wobbly and my right quad felt strained. I ignored it. I tried not to worry about it.  Until the 3rd day, when I wanted to keep up with my husband to have a victorious last day of skiing and my ski boot buckle broke. Upon going to the shop and switching it out, I found out that my binding on my skis was all wrong. I witnessed the manager sternly talk with the employee who had issued my skis on the first day. The bright side was that they offered to comp me for another day of skiing, the down side was that we lost a lot of time on our last day and even worse, I spent 2 days skiing without the right comfort level.

It was a complete difference in my comfortability and control after I had the right skiis. I immediately started skiing down blues. Had I tended to the little symptoms that were first there, I would have enjoyed myself much more and conquered my goal much quicker. When we let little symptoms slide or when we don’t tend to problems immediately, things fester.  They get worse and don’t just go away.

Whether in relationships, in our own hearts or elsewhere, we save ourselves a lot of trouble if we notice the first signs of something wrong, then act to resolve it immediately.

When something is wrong, tend to it immediately.

Lesson 3: Ignore the strategy sometimes, it’s a journey you just have to take.

I wanted to study the map to ensure I wouldn’t take a wrong turn and end up on a black.

I wanted to follow others.

I wanted to keep doing the same runs instead of always trying a new slope and stop feeling like I never knew what was coming.

But, instead I had to push myself to keep going when I was alone and afraid. Push myself to try new runs and new experiences. What surprised me was that I felt peace as I was in those moments.  It’s as if the control that was holding me back was left behind in the snow powder, and all i could do was hope and pray that I would find my way down in one piece.  There’s something so freeing about letting go of control, a cousin to fear.

And maybe deep down I disguise control under strategy.  You see, I like to have a strategic plan laid out. I like to have my ducks in a row, but some times (or shall i say most times), life does not lend itself to having it all figured out.  In those moments, we fight back fear and let go of control.  We take steps of faith. We obey God when He says step – or stop – or sit – or rest – or go for it. And we watch Him lead and protect us.

And when we find ourselves stranded at a fork in the mountain where each way down is only by a black, we find an emergency pole make a call, take a really fun ride on a sled with the ski patrol, and gain a super funny story to tell. (not that i’m speaking from personal experience or anything:)

Sometimes, we just have stop strategizing and start moving.

Stop analyzing and start experiencing.

Stop the “what if” talk and start the “this is what happened” talk… the good, bad, ugly, beautiful, it’s all part of living, and I’d rather share about what did happen then always wonder what would have been.

Happy stepping friends~

xoxo

 

Overcoming fear in uncertainty
Stop strategizing, and start stepping.

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Filed Under: Faith

DIY White Dresser Makeover Tutorial: How to Turn an ‘Out-dated’ Dresser into a ‘Modern Beauty’

May 1, 2015 by kassiefowler

A white dresser is like a secret home design weapon.  It’s amazing how a coat of classic white paint can transform boring and dated furniture into a statement piece.  Even if you’re not a DIY -er, you can totally rock this DIY Dresser Makeover!

Before & After Dresser Makeover

 


My friend Natalie inherited her grandmother’s dresser and wanted to give it a fresh, updated life. She wasn’t quite sure how to transform old furniture but knew that it was too special to let go.  Natalie also happens to be an extremely gifted photographer, so I pose the idea of switching “talents”… family photo shoot for a DIY dresser makeover. Boom, deal!

She is a natural beauty of a dresser, just needed a simple refresh to bring her up-to-date.

By the way, ANYONE can do this… seriously.

It just takes quite a few STEPS and, therefore, patience. And here is my motto… what may take someone 1 day, will probably take me at least 2 but my plate is overflowing full and I’m content with that. So, I give myself grace and know that projects are full of steps that you can’t rush or skip over… and not only is the end result inspiring but also extremely satisfying.  ahhh…

Here’s my simple 4 step DIY Dresser Makeover Tutorial:

1. Quick sanding

You can just take a sanding block like this & give her a quick go.  Wipe off all the dust with a wet rag and let her dry.  I also taped the drawer areas so i wouldn’t get too messy but it’s not necessary since the drawers will hide any imperfections.

Out-dated but oh-so-much-potential dresser

2. Prime (2 coats)… about 1 hour between coats with a light sanding and then 7 days to fully cure.

Using Rust-Oleum 2004 Zinsser Bulls Eye 1-2-3 White Water-Based Primer

And I like high-density foam roller brushes for applying primer (and sometimes paint as well).  They make the job very easy.  (I like the smooth stroke appearance for the paint so sometimes I apply first with the foam roller and then go over with a paint brush.)

priming

 

*A little tip here for the busy woman who is saying “but when???”… if you’ve had a long day at work or with the kids… put them to bed, get some dark chocolate, a glass of wine, put on your fave music/podcast/audio book in the garage (or whatever space you have for this project) and have a little stress relieving experience.  It can seriously be therapeutic.  The trick is to rest in the incomplete.  You won’t finish it in one night.  You will need to follow the steps.  Wrap the brushes in seran wrap (or wash and dry if needed) and return to the project as you can.  But be ok with “undone”… not everything can be checked off the list right when you want it.  Just start somewhere.  You will be thankful, trust me.

3. Paint (2 coats)… light sanding in between coats.  Follow drying times on can instructions based on your area’s climate.

Using Rust-Oleum 7921502 American Accents, Satin Heirloom White  (the loveliest white)

4. Paint Top Coat for added protection and durability.

Using Minwax 23333 Satin Polycrylic Protective Finishes

I bought a brush specifically for this topcoat and I really like the coverage using it.  You can do 2 coats of topcoat if the furniture you are refinishing will be used and “loved” often.

DIY dresser makeover

 

This is also a great time to replace hardware for added visual appeal.  Natalie chose to keep the brass knobs, which I also think was a good choice. 🙂

Happy refinishing friends!  Grab that chocolate and music…you’ve got this!

xoxo

 

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Filed Under: Home Design Tagged With: classic white dresser, DIY, Dresser, dresser makeover

New mom, you are doing great.

March 6, 2015 by kassiefowler

A few years ago I encountered a post on instagram that changed my perspective as a new mom.  One of my friend’s shared a note from her mom after giving birth to her daughter… it read,

“You are doing great!  Remember, she didn’t come with a manual and Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

young mom encouragement

Without warning, I bawl… like my baby.  With puckering lips and tears streaming, I want someone to rescue me from my own emotions.  Thank you crazy hormones.

Desperate to hear encouragement as a new mom, my soul longed for words that share hope.  Words that not only give perspective, but also chill me out from my own self-talk of defeat.

Even a few years after the new mom phase, I’m still well aware that my compass for this motherhood thing can be quite broken.

In the midst of the intense challenges of caring for little ones, I give in to the voice shaming me that I have so much to learn.  That nagging whisper points out how I should play more creatively.  Teach more strategically. Clean more thoroughly. Plan ahead more clearly.  And just when I think I master something with one child, the next one throws me for a loop!

After a long day, I sit down for a glass of wine, or maybe a shower, and my brain opens up.  It starts recounting every moment of failure.  I raised my voice too much.  So and so’s 2 year old is potty trained already.  This chick on instagram loves motherhood more than life.  I bet she never raises her voice like I do… or waits til 9pm to take a shower.

A lot of people think social media is a waste of time, but I find that some days it helps me understand the state of my heart.  And this day, it helped me to recognize which voice is replaying in my head.  And will continue to in every phase of my children’s development IF I DON’T GET A GRIP on it.  From pregnancy comparison through high school graduation, that voice will nag if there’s an in.

In stark contrast, the voice I do not hear very well but so desperately crave is the one that declares “you’re doing GREAT!”  I can’t remember the last time I thought to myself, “Wow, Kassie, you really hit that day out of the ballpark!  You are rocking motherhood.  There’s no one better at raising your kids and taking care of your home than you!”  (Like how guys can look in a mirror, flex their muscles and say, “check this out babe!”  While we point out every little flaw we see in ourselves. How nice for them?!)

Imagine if every mom really believes the words…You are doing GREAT.

I’m probably the worst at celebrating what was accomplished.  I tend to look at what needs improvement. all. the. time.  But, I’m learning that I’m a better mom when I can say “it is good.”  I’m also a better wife and an all-around healthier person.

Not to say we’ve arrived (because who ever does?), but what if at the end of the day, we say to ourselves “it is good”?  It’s like muscle training… training your brain to think a different way.  To feel uncomfortable when it starts to dwell on shame and guilt.  Training it to feel at home, not in a foreign land, when it is filled with satisfaction.  Satisfaction in adding one more brick to the building. Satisfaction in how you moved the ball forward today.

One day may feel like a win and the next a loss, but collectively, you are building something in that little human.  And it does not happen overnight.  Just like Rome.

Most importantly, the message read that day through a tiny square photo spelled out an essential lesson to me, “You are NOT failing.  Give yourself some grace.  None of us know what we’re doing, and we continue to build day after day.”

So, the good news is that you can feel defeated somedays without living like a loser.  You can feel disappointed without living hopeless.  The brain can be trained to dwell on higher thoughts.  So let’s shut down that voice that whispers all the things we could do better and celebrate that our kids are alive and deeply loved.

Tuck in those kiddos, send that final email, wash that last dish… and then celebrate, “It is good”  because your job is not easy, my friend, and YOU are doing great.

I think the world of you.  xoxo

 

 

 

P.S: I’m curious… do you struggle with ever feeling like you do a good job?  And how do you overcome?  Please share…

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Filed Under: Motherhood Tagged With: encouragement, motherhood, new mom, young mom

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